I Will Make It All Better
by ksandqs
Summary: A look at the life of a young couple and the challenges they had to overcome. Rusame.


**I know Angel and To Lose One's Light need to be updated, and I'm working on it, but I couldn't finish those chapters without getting this out of my head. As you can see, it's fairly long. Also, don't worry about the (#)s. Those are just extra notes explaining my reasoning for certain things I included. They can wait until the end. Enjoy!  
EDIT: Fixed some grammar mistakes.**

* * *

"Are you ready yet?"

"…Hold on!"

"Well hurry up, I don't know how long I can hold your wild cat. How do you get him to calm down?"

"Relax would you? And he's not wild just…you have to know how to pet him that's all."

"Just hurry up so we can take this picture."

"Alright, alright, I'm coming!"

One final adjustment then he was rushing over to his boyfriend's side, another cat wiggling in his arms. He practically skidded to a stop beside the taller man, then smiled up at him.

"Okay, smile!"

A flash, then twin sighs of relief and laughs as their cats struggled to jump down from them. But they had to make sure the picture was alright and that the cats had managed to look in the direction of the camera. Said camera had such a picture on its screen.

Two young men stood close together with smiles on their faces. A fluffy white cat with brown markings was in the arms of the taller man and a smoky gray cat was content in the arms of the shorter blond. The two men were leaning close together, and anyone who saw the picture would see the obvious happiness and love in their expressions and how comfortable they were in each other's presence. One blond had a wide bright smile on his face, as if he'd never frowned in his life and everything in the world was just perfect. The other had a more reserved but no less genuine or happy smile on his face.

But they had not always been that way. Things between them had not always been easy smiles and soft touches.

~Start Flashback~

High school was not easy. Being branded an outsider didn't make it any easier, but thankfully, in his case, it didn't make it any harder. People avoided him and he welcomed the distance, if only because he was unused and therefore unwelcoming of contact. But from where he stood on the edge of the high school hierarchy, he had the perfect view to observe.

And observe he did.

Students on drugs, students starving themselves, students who'd sacrificed their personal life for good grades, all these people were watched by Ivan. And he got very good at reading people from this unspoken exile. Even so, with three years of this silent watching, he was unprepared for the arrival of a young blond with a very impressive façade; one that he had trouble seeing through, which frustrated him.

The boy, an instantly popular blond named Alfred, presented himself as an overconfident, loud, obnoxious youth struggling to find his place in the world(and struggling from life in the present). He loved being the center of attention and was easily an overbearing presence, as he didn't seem to grasp the concept of personal space. Or personal anything really, as he always had to be "in the know" and ask after students' schedules: where so and so would be, what party was what date, who was dating who.

Ivan couldn't stand him.

How did this young boy act so annoying yet get so much attention? How could those girls and boys stand to be around him? Then he'd remember that they were so very similar to him and most likely admired him.

So Ivan watched like before, but this time, he couldn't help but notice the little things that started popping out at him. When Alfred was alone(or thought he was alone)he was different. He was quieter, less boisterous and unwilling to break the peaceful silence around him. He could be reading, or working on homework, either way he looked so peaceful that it completely threw Ivan off. His view of Alfred hadn't been one of a positive light, but with every little thing he noticed his opinion started to change.

However he tried to convince himself that the loud mouth blond was just like the other kids, but once again his little actions spoke a thousand times louder than his meaningless chatter. Though he liked being the center of attention, he didn't like being touched. It was a very subtle move that you'd only see if you were looking, which Ivan always was. He'd shy away from physical touch; whenever someone leaned in close, he would lean away. It was a slight move that only Ivan's eyes caught, or so he thought. Nobody said anything so he assumed they either knew why or didn't notice or simply didn't care. Still, it got Ivan thinking.

Why would the popular boy shy away from contact with his friends? Was he like Ivan, someone who grew up without a mother's love and only the hard expectation of a distant father? He was by no means mistreated but the lack of love in his father's actions and words were damaging all the same.

Either way, Ivan was interested in Alfred. It seemed there was more to him than Ivan had originally observed.

~End Flashback~

Two pairs of eyes looked over the photograph and, deciding everything was okay, both men released their cats and watched them dart off into another room. The camera was taken off the tripod it'd been resting atop and the taller man sat down on the couch while the shorter put the tripod away. Once finished he joined his boyfriend on the couch. A thick binder, unlabeled and worn down from continued use, was in front of them on the coffee table.

They observed the most recent photograph for a while longer before heading down memory lane and enjoying the previous photos. Holding only a limited amount of space, the camera was filled with good times and a happy couple(soon the contents of the camera would be transformed into actual photographs and placed within the binder, but that was for a later time). In that album, photographs went back all the way to high school, when they hadn't known each other very well.

~Start Flashback~

No longer was he focused on the school as a whole. He still watched people pass by him, still analyzed them in the few seconds of close proximity, yet his mind strayed more and more. Everyone now had blond hair and the brightest blue eyes he'd ever seen(from a chance meeting while Alfred was in a hurry and "didn't see him", which Ivan found suspicious because he was a solid five foot ten inches of muscle).

Junior year moved swiftly into senior year, and this year, he had classes with Alfred. Advanced placement physics and AP calculus were classes he could honestly say he didn't expect to see Alfred in. A part of Ivan's opinion of the blond was that he didn't just act like the other boys but his grades, sub-par at best, matched. Imagine his surprise to see Alfred not only in such difficult and advanced courses but excelling in them as well.

Randomized assigned seating in both AP classes had him sitting directly next to Alfred, the chances of such a thing happening very slim. Now he had a chance to actually talk to the subject of his fascination, if he wanted to. He'd never really been so hung up on one person, and now that same person was right next to him twice a day. But seeing as how Alfred probably didn't know his name it would be both uncharacteristic of him and awkward in general to initiate conversation. Luckily, he didn't have to.

Alfred apparently had no interest in the person on the other side of him and dedicated all his time talking with Ivan. Or rather, talking _to_ Ivan, as Ivan was very reserved and not talkative at all. But as he would find out, Alfred had enough to say for the both of them.

Eventually he had to start talking back. His lack of response was clearly not putting Alfred off from wanting to talk to him. And though the work was difficult and required full attention, it was the times when working with partners that Alfred got his say. And after a while, Ivan as well.

Upon giving in and talking back, Ivan learned a lot. Alfred was smart. Really smart, and it showed during their partner quizzes. Ivan too was smart(he was in four AP classes and an honors one, after all), and learned the material well. Given the same quiz, they'd each complete it on their own as opposed to going over it together. It didn't take long for them to finish, and usually it was at the same time, then they'd go over it. Often they had the same answers found the same way, but sometimes Ivan would think too fast for his hands and write down a small but important mistake. Showing work was everything and teachers caught those small mistakes. Alfred would correct him easily, pointing out a missing or extra number or a switched sign. For word problems Alfred would forget to answer the question completely, writing out and interpreting the answer in the context of the problem. Ivan would remind him to answer those questions properly and give his own answers as examples. Needless to say their quiz and test scores were among the highest of the class, even when every period was included.

Ivan found he enjoyed talking with Alfred. He wasn't loud and obnoxious in class; he was smart and witty and funny and Ivan started looking forward to his classes with Alfred. But there was an underlying _something_ that influenced his excitement for these classes. He like secretly watching Alfred during class. He looked attentive and interested in the subject, and the times he'd bite his pencil in thought had Ivan biting his own cheek. The unfair way he'd first categorized Alfred(as a popular airhead)had clouded his vision from seeing the beauty of such a rarity. Someone who pretended and forced smiles at "friends"(and did it so convincingly)yet truly enjoyed the sciences and learning was a strange and rare person indeed.

But more than that it was the way he looked as he worked out a problem. It was the way he leisurely rested his head in his hand as he took notes. It was the way his face lit up when he was talking about science with Ivan on the way to class. It was the way he'd occasionally glance over at Ivan, perhaps unconsciously sensing eyes on him, and smile that bright smile that made Ivan realize why he enjoyed being around Alfred so much more than when he'd first laid eyes on him.

He was attracted to Alfred, and that scared him.

For a long time he thought he might be asexual; never had he felt the need to be with anyone in a relationship, sexual or otherwise. Though, perhaps his father and his particularly hard brand of love had simply killed that need. But he could feel it now, as clearly as he could feel the sun on his face or the wind through his hair. He wanted to be around Alfred, more and more, even outside of school his thoughts were consumed by the boy.

So what did that make him? Did wanting to be with Alfred, who was a _guy_, make him homosexual? He didn't really have a preference when it came to partners if he thought about it; as long as he loved them and they returned it, what did gender matter? Did that make him bisexual? Was there even a word for what he was?

Of course, he didn't notice anything about Alfred's behavior that could be taken as a reciprocation of his affections. But, one day, all thoughts about feelings and sexual orientation flew out the window as Ivan found something new(and very disturbing)to focus on.

Alfred had raised his hand to answer a question, the sleeves of his jacket inching up his arm at the stretch. When the teacher called on someone else, Alfred dropped his hand and Ivan saw them.

There were what looked like bruises around Alfred's wrist, the dark purple marks clear against his tanned skin. Ivan had to be careful about his observation; he didn't want to make it obvious that he had seen the marks, as Alfred would most likely withdraw himself from Ivan, and he didn't want that.

Alfred had tugged his sleeve down to its proper place, believing that no one had seen his signs of abuse. But Ivan had.

~End Flashback~

Done with the camera, they decided to flip through the photo album, as the pictures and memories contained within it hadn't been thought about in a long while. The heavy binder was slightly dusty from its resting place in the hall closet, but the two men paid that detail no attention. The opened binder rested on both their laps, as they were sitting so very close to one another. The fluffy white cat had wondered back into the living room and was resting on the back of the couch next to the shorter man.

The first few pages were filled with baby pictures and captured moments from their childhoods. The doubles were supplied to them upon request from their parents(older sister in most cases for the taller blond). Then they came to a page with one picture, that of a man and the shorter blond smiling together, with writing underneath it. He looked exactly like the shorter man, just with wavier hair and different colored eyes. This picture, the only one including this man in their album, was included as a remembrance of sorts. The young man had taken his own life, filled with extreme sorrow. In a moment of weakness he'd ended everything, and though he caused nothing but pain for his family, he was still missed.

~Start Flashback~

Ivan was in a very difficult situation to remedy. The marks, which Ivan noticed more and more, were not going away. They would fade until they were almost unseeable, but then they'd be back, vibrant and ugly, circling the whole of Alfred's wrist. And as he guessed correctly, the other wrist as well.

The damning evidence pointed to abuse, but from who? Ivan would find out eventually, but not until they'd both graduated and started at the same college. He wouldn't find out until they were together, becoming closer in the summer after their last year and deciding to give whatever they had a try. He wouldn't find out until Alfred's older brother would confront them.

~Start Flashback within Flashback~

_Matthew was a quiet boy. He listened to his parents and loved them but felt as though he was missing something. When his mother had told him he was going to have a little brother or sister, he'd been apprehensive at first. But once the baby boy was born, and Matthew looked into those blue, blue eyes, all worry and anxiety left him. He instantly loved his brother._

_He wanted to protect his little brother. He wanted to play with Alfred, and love Alfred, and spend time with Alfred. He wanted to be around Alfred all the time and have his love always. Being brothers, his parents thought nothing of Matthew's clinginess. After all wouldn't it be better for Matthew to love his brother instead of be jealous of him?_

_How stupid they were._

_Matthew loved his younger brother but he was also extremely jealous. Alfred had to give him all his attention or he wouldn't be happy. And when Alfred was old enough to start preschool, Matthew hated the thought of other children near Alfred, touching him, playing with him and making him smile. Since he was five years older than Alfred, his time in elementary school got in the way of the time he could be spending with Alfred. Alfred's preschool let out earlier than his school did, and Matthew waited anxiously for school to end._

_His affections only got worse, twisted by the thoughts of a growing boy. When girls were on all his friend's minds, he could only picture his perfect little brother with his bright blond hair and pretty blue eyes. It only got worse from there._

_He would tell Alfred, when they were cuddled together watching television, or alone playing in the backyard, that the world was a dangerous place and that he was only safe with Matthew. Alfred was young, didn't know any better, and took his words as the undeniable truth. But Matthew didn't stop there. He told Alfred how much he loved him, and how he was the only one who loved him or ever would, including their parents. Day after day Matthew made sure to remind Alfred that he was unloved by anyone but his big strong brother. And all those years of mental abuse paid off when Alfred was comfortable around only Matthew, would only give one hundred percent of his attention to Matthew._

_The next problem came in the form of hormones. Matthew was a teenager, sixteen years old in his sophomore year. Now his love for his brother was dangerous. He turned down girl after girl, none of them holding his interest. And none of them ever would; he was fully dedicated to his brother, even if Alfred had no idea of the depth of his love._

_Touch now accompanied the twisted words of love. Little brushes and caresses in appropriate enough places. He had to be careful though. He had to go slow and keep his touch light, enough to be noticed but not enough to scare Alfred. He wanted him to come back, after all._

_They were brothers and what Matthew was doing and _wanted_ to do was so wrong, but he didn't care. His brother was still so young and innocent, oblivious to how wrong Matthew was in his words. Their parents were too stupid to notice Matthew's behavior, and eventually the change in Alfred's. Growing up with mental abuse, subtle though Matthew was, had its effects. No longer could Alfred fully enjoy playing with kids his age. He wasn't comfortable with them touching him, as Matthew, his older brother who loved him and who he admired so much, told him that those kids didn't really care about him. They didn't really want to play with him they only wanted to take advantage of his compassionate nature. So, forced to be around these children, Alfred would smile and keep Matthew's words in mind._

You're a good boy right? And you know I love you very much. I know that other kids want to take you away from me, but you won't let them, right? My little brother is too smart for that, aren't you? You'd never let those kids take you away from me.

_Over and over these words would go through his mind. And he believed his brother. What purpose would Matthew have to lie to him? His brother only told him the truth and he accepted the wisdom of one older than him. He never thought to question his brother until high school, when he met a very nice if reserved young man._

~End Flashback within Flashback~

~End Flashback~

Ivan rubbed the golden blond's shoulder, offering comfort where needed. Despite the abuse he'd suffered, despite the cruelty his brother had shown him, Alfred still loved and missed him. He'd been told that he felt this way because of what Mattie had done to him over the course of his life, and while he realized and accepted that yes, he had been mentally and physically abused by Matthew, he knew that his brother really had loved him and only wanted the best for him.

Unfortunately, Matthew's idea of what was best for Alfred involved complete control over his life, body, and mind.

Of course he'd learned about abuse in school. He'd learned about all the ways strangers would entice young children into their clutches, but Matthew wasn't a stranger. Matthew was his brother, had been in his life since he was born and showed him nothing but love up until the start of high school, when he'd decided that Alfred, being fifteen, was old enough to experience more inappropriate touches. And if Alfred resisted, he'd be taught a lesson. He'd stopped resisting after a while and reacted any way Matthew wanted, so long as he wasn't hit again.

He was brought out of his thoughts by a large hand turning his face and cool lips pressing to his own. He sighed and closed his eyes. Matthew was gone now. His words were not true. He wasn't unloved; his parents loved him, his friends loved him, Ivan loved him, and that was really all he needed. When the kiss broke he smiled at his boyfriend and cuddled closer to continue flipping through the memories. Birthdays passed, holidays passed, summers and winters passed, all the great moments of their life captured in this album.

More time passed where silly moments were captured on camera. The first time they'd tried to give their cats baths(both cats and Ivan looked miserable but it made Alfred laugh). When Alfred had gotten a little too drunk on New Year's and ended up sleeping in a very awkward position(Alfred's cheeks burned when he saw the picture but Ivan loved it). Then there were the pictures from their college graduation, where careful planning resulted in them graduating together. However, these pictures where almost as bad as the picture of Matthew and Alfred near the beginning of the album for the memories they brought with them.

~Start Flashback~

Alfred sighed as he finished up his essay. The last assignment before finals, then graduation. He felt pretty confident about passing his finals but he'd study a little more just in case.

"How you doin' over there?" Alfred called out.

"Just...about...done!" Ivan responded, shutting the book he'd been studying from. "I feel like if I learn any more about my subjects my head might just explode. I don't think I'll have a problem with finals."

"Me neither," Alfred said, saving his essay and printing it out. He got out of his chair and went over to Ivan, pushing the book out of the way to sit in his lap. "Finally done, maybe we should...celebrate?" Alfred purred in a suggestive tone. Ivan raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips, tapping his fingers against Alfred's hips while Alfred curled his fingers in the hair around the base of Ivan's neck.

"Hmm, I don't know, I'm pretty tired," Ivan said, trying very hard to suppress a smile, "I might just take a nap." He'd see how long Alfred could go without saying outright what he wanted.

"Oh?" Alfred said, playing innocent. For now. "Well alright then I guess I'll go and take a shower." He slid his hand around Ivan's neck to his cheek and patted him, then ground down before getting off of him completely.

Ivan almost let out a moan at the friction Alfred's actions caused but he held it in. He did tip his head back slightly though, missing the smirk on Alfred's face.

"Maybe you can join me? If you're not too tired, that is," Alfred said, making Ivan look back at him. He made his shirt removal way more sexy than it had any business being and walked towards the bathroom with an obvious swing to his hips, his shirt over one shoulder.

Ivan tipped his head back again and closed his eyes, letting a goofy smile cross his lips before springing up from the couch and hurriedly following Alfred into the bathroom.

One steamy round later, both boys were laying in bed and cuddling, waiting for sleep to claim them. Alfred fell asleep first, as per usual, and Ivan resisted the call of unconsciousness to observe his boyfriend.

Sometimes he wondered and looked back on his relationship with Alfred, how they'd met and how he'd been resolute to ignore the bubbly blond. He couldn't imagine his life now without Alfred in it, and not for the first time he'd watched Alfred sleep and marveled about how someone like Alfred, so full of life and love for everything around him, could be happy with him.

They were facing each other and he couldn't resist, so he brought his hand up and rested it on Alfred's cheek, reveling in the heat from his face. Alfred snuggled closer and murmured something about a sword and babies.

Ivan left his hand there and closed his eyes, thinking, _I love you, Alfred,_ before he fell asleep.

Though Alfred fell asleep first he woke up second, but it was hardly a strange occurrence. Overachiever as he was, Ivan took morning classes, so he was never there when Alfred woke up. As for Alfred, he took classes in the afternoon and sometimes a night class, like any sane person. Only crazy people took such early classes; there was no way Alfred could get up and go to class before breakfast. But while he didn't particularly like waking up to an empty bed he'd talked(complained)to Ivan and it was decided that Alfred would just have to suck it up and be a man.

Luckily, the class he'd normally have that day was already done, and Ivan would be taking the final of the only class he had that day, so once he was done they could spend the day together. Alfred rolled over and snuggled Ivan's pillow, smiling as he squeezed it. Since finals had been coming closer they weren't able to spend much time together but now that they were finishing and graduation was finally around the corner they would have their whole lives ahead of them. And they'd be together.

He lounged about for a little while longer before getting up and fixing himself breakfast. He remained in his pajamas(one of his too big shirts and plaid bottoms)since he didn't know if Ivan would want to stay in or go out and he wouldn't get dressed if they weren't going out. He was one lazy son of a bitch and proud of it.

He wondered if Ivan had skipped breakfast to make it to class on time. He doubted it; the guy never failed to eat his morning food. But why oatmeal? Alfred didn't see the appeal. He was more of an all-American breakfast type of guy, but then again he was in general an all-American type of guy. But that was a given seeing as how America was totally awesome.

So he cooked eggs and bacon and ate in silence, something he'd gotten used to. It might have seemed pathetic but Alfred understood; anyone in college would understand that schedules were crazy sometimes, what with class, personal time, and a job.

He watched the clock nonetheless, waiting for it to count down to eleven. It was ten thirty, so he had some time to kill. After he finished breakfast he just kind of...sat there, and tapped his fingers against the table, eyes on the clock.

"Ugh, this is pathetic!" he exclaimed, "What am I even doing?" Picking up his paper plate he threw it away and put his fork in the sink, not bothering to wash it. Not in the mood to even look at his school books he ventured into the living room and sat down to watch television. Only, it seemed he couldn't get comfortable, and he had that weird feeling of wanting to do _something_ but having nothing to do. Too distracted to watch the tv Alfred stood up and looked for something to occupy his time.

It started in the bathroom, where he noticed a slight layer of dust on everything. One thing he never thought he'd do was clean just because he could, but here he was, cleaning his bathroom counter...then toilet...then shower. Pretty much the entire bathroom was cleaned, and all because he was bored and had nothing to entertain him.

He thought briefly about video games or their computer, but not even mindless fun like that felt like it would rid him of his sudden energy. It was like he had to be productive to expel it.

By the time Ivan arrived home from class Alfred had moved to the living room and was cleaning the windows above the couch, his back to Ivan. He'd picked his music player up when he'd dusted their night stands. So he didn't hear Ivan enter the room.

At the unusual sight of Alfred _willingly_ cleaning something, Ivan paused. But seeing him with his back to him and earphones in made him smile as an idea came to him. Dropping his bag he walked up behind Alfred, careful to stay out of his peripheral vision, and clamped his hands down on the blond's shoulders.

Alfred was cleaning the windows when suddenly two hands clamped down on his shoulders. Startled, he screamed and jumped, spinning around to see a laughing Ivan. Putting a hand to his racing heart Alfred tore out his ear plugs and threw them and his music player on the couch.

"You jerk, that scared me!" Alfred said, glaring at Ivan as his boyfriend tried to compose himself. He finally got his breathing normal enough to respond. "I-I'm sorry," he chuckled, "I couldn't let that opportunity pass." Seeing Alfred still glaring he walked up to him and wrapped his arms around him.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I just enjoy hearing your girlish screams," Ivan said grinning.

"I don't have girlish screams!" Alfred said, struggling now to get out of Ivan's hold. "Oh but you do, and I very much enjoy hearing them. I suppose I'll have to hear them in another...situation."

Face reddening as he caught onto what Ivan was referring to, Alfred stopped his struggling. "I'm not a screamer!" he said, glaring as Ivan started laughing again, releasing him to put his hands around his stomach. "Oh Alfred, you are the screamer of screamers," Ivan said.

An angry flush on his face, Alfred walked away from Ivan and towards their room. "I'm taking a shower and that's _not_ an invitation," he hissed, "And we'll see if you hear any more of my "girlish screams" in the next month."

"Don't be silly, you know I was only—" The door to their room shutting cut his sentence off. He sighed and shook his head. He loved Alfred and all his weird little quirks but the man was so embarrassed by anything sexual sometimes. Which Ivan found strange because Alfred was anything but embarrassed during sex.

He shrugged and went over to his bag, but seeing as how Alfred had shut him off from their room he just set it on the couch before heading into the kitchen. He didn't have time to have a full breakfast that morning, only an apple and some milk, so he was feeling a bit hungry.

He opened the cupboard to get out his oatmeal, then got out a bowl, milk, and butter. He was so wrapped up in what he was doing that he failed to notice the door to their bedroom open, and the quiet steps coming towards him, as well as the stifled giggles of his boyfriend. He did notice when Alfred yelled out "Boo!" right behind him. He let out a yell and spun around much like Alfred had, and was greeted with a laughing Alfred.

"Oh I got you," Alfred laughed, "You should have seen your face!"

Ivan let Alfred laugh while his heart stopped its racing, then smiled and advanced on his boyfriend. "Alfred~" Alfred looked up, tears in his eyes, and saw Ivan coming towards him with an unsettling smile. His eyes widened and he paused for a moment before straightening out and bolting into the living room.

Ivan caught him easily and the force of knocking into him made them tumble to the carpet, laughing and smiling at each other.

"Alright you got me. I guess I deserved that," Ivan said, supporting himself above Alfred. Alfred smiled at him. "Damn right you deserved it. Plus all those things you said, which are totally not true, by the way." Ivan rolled his eyes but agreed with him. "Yes of course, so sorry," he grinned. They fell quiet, just gazing at each other. Ivan didn't think he would ever tire of looking at Alfred.

"Did your final go okay?"

"I believe so."

"Oh...good..." Alfred breathed, then pulled Ivan down to kiss him, though he hardly needed to; Ivan was all too willing to bridge the gap between them.

It didn't start out heated, or desperate, but just a simple touch of lips. It stayed like that for a bit but kisses between them were never brief.

Alfred would curl his fingers at the base of Ivan's neck, sending sparks down his spine. Ivan would lightly touch Alfred's cheek, neck(anywhere he could, really), causing a bloom of warmth across that area. Then Alfred would smile when Ivan ran his fingers along a ticklish part of him. Infectious as his smiles were, Ivan wold return it, warmth and love in his eyes as he leaned back down to kiss Alfred.

Sooner or later(sooner rather than later)simple kissing wasn't enough for Ivan(the stirring in his loins _might_ have had something to do with it). He couldn't help it; it was hard to not get aroused when Alfred was under him.

He supported all his weight on one hand, placed above's Alfred's head, and let the other one rest on Alfred's cheek before sliding it down and cupping his jaw. Then, very deliberately, he pressed his groin to Alfred's and ground down slowly yet hard.

Alfred disconnected his lips from Ivan's by tipping his head back to moan so prettily, his mouth in an 'o'.

"You better be ready to deal with what you're doing to me," Alfred moaned, cheeks red.

"Aren't I always?" Ivan said. Then he remembered his breakfast sitting in the microwave and got an idea. He did so love Alfred begging, but his boyfriend never indulged him by doing it. He'd see how far he could go until Alfred started begging for release.

"...But, I am busy, so you will have to deal with it yourself." He smirked at the dumb look on Alfred's face as he registered what exactly Ivan was saying. Completely moving off of him, Ivan stood and returned to the kitchen.

"Wha..." Alfred said, remaining on the floor but turning his head towards Ivan. "What are you doing?"

"I believe this is called eating breakfast. Correct me if I'm wrong." Alfred laughed mockingly at his tone and turned onto his stomach, glaring into the kitchen. "Ha ha. I meant what do you think you're doing? Get back here and finish what you started!"

"Hmm, no," Ivan hummed, picking up his oatmeal and sitting at the kitchen table. He felt Alfred's glare on his face but pointedly ignored his boyfriend.

"What? Come on!" Alfred whined, kicking his feet on the floor, very child-like. Ivan glanced at him with a smug look on his face.

"Fine," Alfred said, rolling onto his back again, "I will take care of it myself."

Ivan stared wide-eyed as Alfred undid the draw string to his pajama bottoms and pulled his pants down slightly. Was Alfred seriously...? In the middle of the day on the living room floor? Well he'd made a decision to make Alfred beg but it appeared as if Alfred had turned the tables without even knowing it. He didn't think he would last long watching his boyfriend pleasure himself so shamelessly...and he didn't. Only a minute in and he was on Alfred, pushing his hands away and yanking down his pants.

"Damn you," he growled. Alfred smirked.

His breakfast abandoned and Alfred always ready to eat, they decided to go out for lunch. One shower later and they were out the door, arm in arm. Because it was nearby and most likely free or discounted, they went to their friend's restaurant. Feliciano and his brother owned an Italian place which also served plenty of German dishes(it was more half Italian half German). It might have been because Feliciano was dating the German man who managed the restaurant. As much as Feliciano's brother Lovino didn't exactly like Ludwig(the German man), Ludwig was very good at managing the finances to their restaurant. Both Feliciano and Lovino couldn't do it to save their lives, so Lovino had to deal with Ludwig and the German's brother Gilbert(who Lovino liked more than Ludwig but that had its own story). Alfred and Ivan weren't sure why Lovino disliked Ludwig so much but it must have been bad, considering Lovino couldn't be in the same room as him(without Feliciano)for extended periods of time.

The restaurant was pretty much their favorite, as Alfred could have all the hamburgers and meat he wanted while Ivan had many other dishes to choose from. Passing through the threshold of the well kept building gave them that familial sense of warmth coupled with great food.

"Alfred! Ivan! So good to see you both! It's been a while since we've seen you guys here." Bella was hostess today and greeted them with a wide smile. Bella, along with her brother Daan(1), were Feliciano and Lovino's cousins and worked as waiters for them. Bella was more likely to be the hostess as she smiled a lot more than her brother did.

"Hey Bella." "Bella, always nice to see you."

"You two look cute," she said, a sly smile on her face, "Are you on a date?"

"No no, just feeling like eating out today. Breakfast was...delayed, for me, and Alfred here is always ready to eat."

"Alright well lets get you two a table and I'll let the boys know you're here." She escorted them to a booth by the windows, gave them both menus, then left to attend to other patrons. They talked for a bit, idle chatter, before Daan stopped by their table.

"Hey guys, I'm your waiter today. Ready to order?"

"Hey Daan, I'll have a burger and coke."

"What a surprise," Daan murmured, jotting it down, then said louder, "You're in luck, Ludwig's helping in the kitchen today." Alfred silently cheered; Ludwig made the best burgers, Alfred thought it was seriously like an orgasm in every bite.

"I'll have the soup of the day," Ivan said, handing Daan his and Alfred's menus, "And just water for me."

"You got it," Daan said.

"So..." Alfred inquired, "How'd it go with your friend?"

Daan glanced up from his paper to Alfred, then to Ivan, then back to Alfred. Ivan looked as interested as Alfred. He sighed and put his pad and pen away.

"I don't know why you look so excited. I wasn't on a date, moron, I was just hanging with him, but there's something strange about him. He's very distracted and only talks about his brother. It's a lot creepy and would totally freak you out."

"Uh huh," Alfred grinned at him.

"Look man, believe whatever you want. I just know I won't be seeing him again any time soon." Daan took a moment to study Alfred's face. "Now that I think about it, he looks a lot like you, just with longer hair."

"Oh yeah? What's this handsome devil's name?" Ivan shook his head at Alfred's blatant narcissism.

"His name's Matthew," Daan said. "Look, I have to go guys. I'll send Feli or Lovi or one of the Germans out to see you. Take care guys."

"And you as well," Ivan said. He turned to talk about Daan's odd friend but saw Alfred sitting rigid in his seat, eyes glued to the table. "Alfred? Are you alright?"

"My...my bro's—" He cut himself off and glanced around, and when he met Ivan's eyes for a second, Ivan was shocked to see fear shinning in those baby blues.

"Alfred, what's wrong?" He asked(more like demanded).

"It's nothing, I-I'm fine," Alfred said, though he could clearly see Ivan wasn't convinced in the slightest. But before he could press further they were interrupted.

"Alfred, Ivan! Totally unawesome of you to not say hi to me first." Oh Gilbert. He always managed to pick the worst times to intervene. Gilbert came up to them and sat down next to Alfred, causing him to scoot over. Gilbert threw an arm around Alfred's shoulders, a lazy smile on his face. Ivan narrowed his eyes slightly but said nothing in response to Gilbert's actions. He knew Gilbert knew Alfred was his.

"Hey Gilbert," Alfred said, also making no move to remove Gilbert's arm. Honestly he was used to Gilbert's invasions of personal space. Of course Gilbert either pretended not to notice or really didn't know what he was doing.

"What's going on with you?" Alfred asked, actually glad for Gilbert's arrival; anything to change the subject from his brother.

"Nothing much. Lovino's being a whiny bitch though." Gilbert glared at the direction of the kitchen while Ivan and Alfred looked at each other.

"Wow Gilbert. How do you really feel?" Ivan said sarcastically. He often wondered how Lovino could possibly like Gilbert more than Ludwig. Gilbert rolled his eyes.

"Shut up man. There's no other way to describe his shitty mood swings. One minute he's actually a pretty decent guy but the next he is the whiniest sonuvabitch in the world. He's not nearly awesome enough to hang out with me. I don't know why I stick around here."

"Is anyone awesome enough to hang out with you?" Alfred asked, already a skeptical look on his face. He knew Gilbert thought of himself as the most awesome person in the world, with his friends Francis and Antonio _just_ awesome enough to chill with him. Other than them it seemed no one matched up to the albino's ridiculous standards.

"Hey, it takes a lot of work to be this cool!" Gilbert said, defending his self-image. He thought of his friends. "I don't know, Mathias is pretty chill. Ludwig too sometimes. He doesn't really count though since he's my brother. Then there's Roderich...he's okay I guess, but Liz," Gilbert sighed happily, "she's the best."

"Oh?" Alfred and Ivan smiled at each other. "How's it going with her?"

Gilbert finally let go of Alfred to lean forward on the table, for once looking unsure of himself. Gilbert was the most laid back guy, except when it came to 'the ladies'.

"I-I don't know. I mean, sometimes I think—but then we're just friends right? But there are these moments, you know? Moments when I think, 'this is my future; she's the one'." Ivan was stunned by how familiar that sounded. It wasn't hard, in those moments of staring at Alfred, to imagine the rest of their lives together, and when Alfred would catch his gaze and smile that mega-watt smile...He was certain Alfred was his 'one'. Maybe Gilbert was less superficial than he originally thought.

Alfred rested his hand on Gilbert's shoulder. "Wow, that was...super sappy." Alfred laughed when Gilbert turned to him with an affronted look on his face. Ivan chuckled and looked over to see the German brother he preferred and his peppy Italian boyfriend walking towards them, plates in hand.

"What perfect timing. Food's here so quit acting so childish."

"Food?" Alfred looked past Gilbert and saw Ludwig and Feliciano coming towards them with their food. He waved.

"Hey Ludwig, Feli. How are you guys?"

"Hi Alfred, hi Ivan. We're doing just fine, though Lovino's annoyed about something," Feliciano said, cheerful as always. He set Ivan's soup down in front of him, along with cornbread. Ludwig sat Alfred's burger down in front of him. "There you go Alfred, I made this one myself."

"Aw yeah," Alfred breathed, picking up the burger and taking a bite. The resulting moan could only be described as something belonging in the bedroom but Alfred didn't seem to notice.

"I'm afraid we can't stay to chat. The lunch rush is starting," Ludwig said. "It was nice to see you two." Ludwig grabbed Gilbert and started walking back to the kitchen, ignoring his brother's complaints. Feliciano waved and started walking away but suddenly stopped.

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Alfred, someone came in looking for you. He said he was your brother? Matthew?"

Alfred dropped his burger and turned to Feliciano, eyes wide. "Really? He came here?" He looked around, his expression troubled. "What did you tell him?"

"Nothing really, as soon as he saw you weren't here he left. Just thought I'd tell you. Bye guys!" Feliciano walked back to the kitchen, oblivious to the turmoil he'd caused Alfred to fall into. Ivan noticed that, like with Daan's mention of Matthew, Alfred looked frightened. Ivan didn't like that look on Alfred; it didn't suit him.

"Alfred, what's wrong? And don't say nothing, this is the second time you've acted like this from a mention of Matthew...wait," Ivan said, suddenly realizing that Alfred had never told him he had a brother. "You have a brother?"

"Yeah I...he's older than me...do we have to talk about him?" Alfred said, sounding very small as he seemed to collapse into himself. Ivan could see that Alfred really wasn't comfortable talking about his brother, but if his brother was trying to find him shouldn't he be ready to confront him?

"Alfred please," Ivan said, reaching over and grasping Alfred's hand, "What's wrong? Why don't you want to see your brother?"

Alfred closed his eyes and breathed slowly. When he opened them he looked determined, but about what Ivan could only guess.

"Do you remember in high school? I know you saw the bruises around my wrists."

Ivan's eyes widened. "You knew I knew? Why didn't you say anything?"

"I wanted to see what you'd do. I wasn't in an entirely right state of mind. But when you respected my privacy and didn't ask about them, or try to get administration to help me, I was confused." He took a deep breath. "Matthew was the one who gave them to me."

"Your own brother did that to you?" Alfred was abused by his brother? No wonder Alfred didn't like talking about him, or mentioned him to Ivan. "Are you alright?"

Alfred managed a small smile. "I'm fine Ivan, it happened years ago. When I moved here with you I didn't tell him our address. I didn't tell my parents either. He only knows I live in this state. But I guess he found me."

Ivan was confused about that. "Do your parents know about this?" Alfred shook his head.

"Matthew he...he wasn't pushy, or noticeable. He was quiet in public and only felt comfortable enough to be himself around me. He told me growing up that nobody loved me, not even our parents, that he was the only one who did. He said that other kids wouldn't understand and only try to take me away from him. He's my brother, why would I suspect he'd lie to me? It wasn't until high school that I truly realized that my brother was abusive, and that I was trapped. But it was you who gave me the courage to move away without telling him."

"Me?" He knew they were together now(obviously)but even in high school when they were just friends he'd had that much influence on Alfred? "What do you mean?"

"Well," Alfred said, playing with the fries on his plate and blushing, "I liked you, back then. It was just a crush, really. I didn't know if you'd like me back, you know, like _that_. But that didn't stop me from talking to you, and when we were seated right next to each other I had the perfect opportunity. Then when we really got to know each other as friends, you were so different from what Matthew had said about other kids. You were kind to me, and shared my passion for science. You were always there to cheer me up when I was feeling down. I really appreciated that; actually I still appreciate what you did for me, what you _do_ for me." He looked up to stare Ivan in the eye. "I don't know if you realize but you gave me the courage to break away from my abusive brother. That means a lot to me."

Alfred...felt that way? About him? Ivan stared at his boyfriend, speechless. Alfred had gone through so much, and he'd kept it all to himself. "Alfred, you know I love you. I'd do anything for you. If you need help confronting Matthew I'll be there for you."

He squeezed the hand in his, offering all the comfort he could. Alfred brought his other hand up and rubbed it across his eyes. "I'm sorry, can—can we go?"

"Of course," Ivan said. He stood up and went to find Bella, explaining their situation. A minute or two later Ivan came back. "Come on," he said, offering his hand to Alfred. The blond grabbed it and stood up, then latched onto Ivan.

They left the restaurant and started walking back to their apartment. They didn't say anything, just relaxing in each other's hold. Ivan had his arm around Alfred's shoulders and Alfred had his arm around Ivan's back, while also gripping the hand resting by his shoulder. They came to the stairs for their apartment and started climbing them, eventually coming to their landing. But when Alfred saw their door he stopped dead in his tracks.

"Ivan," he whispered, fear evident, "Ivan let's get out of here."

"What?" Ivan said, looking down at Alfred and following his gaze to their door, where a young blond haired man stood. He looked...like Alfred. It was Alfred's brother standing before their door. Alfred started shuffling backwards, desperately pulling Ivan back with him. "Please," he begged, "Please, let's go."

As fate would have it, Matthew heard their footsteps and turned to look at them, though his expression was not one of relief at seeing his brother. He looked angry, more so when he saw how close Alfred and Ivan were.

"Alfred." He said. "It's been a while. How cruel of you to not tell your own brother where you went off to. Don't you know how worried I've been?"

Alfred gripped Ivan's hand. "You're lying," Alfred said, more courageous with Ivan beside him. Matthew narrowed his eyes but didn't deny it. His beloved baby brother was just as smart as he remembered. Suddenly smiling sweetly, he held his hand out. "Come home, Alfred. Don't you feel guilty for making our parents so worried about where you went off to? To not tell us where you moved...not very nice of you."

Ivan felt Alfred taking a very small step forward, as if he was about to obey this psycho. He let go of Alfred's hand to throw an arm in front of him, blocking him from his crazy brother. "No. You've done enough to hurt him."

"Oh?" Matthew said, internally angered by this stranger's interruption of his reunion with his brother. "What do you know about us? No outsider could understand our relationship."

"I know you hurt him, and that's all that matters. If you really loved him you'd let him live his life without fear."

"Fear? What could he possibly be scared of? I'm his brother; if I need to I can protect him from anything."

"How messed up are you? He's scared of you! You abused him!"

"No, I loved him, as any good big brother would. He's too good for this dark world. I need to be with him to protect him. And if I have to, I will remove any obstacles standing between me and Alfred."

"You're sick. You'd have to be blind to not see the fear in his eyes when he looks at you, even when he talks about you!"

"No you're the sick one! You and everyone else only want to use him. Then when you're done you'll just throw him to the side like trash. I have to keep him safe from that!"

"How—"

"Ivan."

Ivan turned to look at Alfred. He didn't look scared, just wary now, as if Matthew was a wild animal, but not a wolf or bear; more like a spooked dear or raccoon. "I can handle this." He pushed Ivan's arm down and started walking forward, only to be stopped by Ivan grabbing his hand. "Please, be careful," Ivan said, worry in his eyes.

"I will be," Alfred smiled at him. He tugged out of Ivan's hold and walked up to his brother. Seeing Matthew had instantly filled him with fear, too many memories of pain flashing across his mind. But seeing Ivan defend him filled him with courage, just like a few years ago when he'd decided to leave without telling Matthew.

When he got close enough Matthew reached for him but he slapped the hands away. Matthew looked hurt but Alfred knew better. Matthew would do anything to guilt him into coming back and acting good, but not his time. This time, he had Ivan.

"What's wrong Alfred? You don't want to hug your brother?" Matthew certainly didn't sound all that hurt. If Alfred had to bet he'd say Matthew was angry, if anything.

"Matthew. You have to let me go. Your...obsession isn't healthy, for you or me. Don't you want me to be happy?"

"Of course!" Matthew said, "All I do for you is to make you happy. Don't you love me? I'm your brother."

"Yes, Matthew, I do love you. But only as a brother. I know how you feel but I can't return it. Don't you understand? What you want isn't right! We're brothers, you shouldn't love me like that!"

"Alfred please, try to understand. I'm only doing what I do to protect you. Why can't you appreciate that?" He was quiet for a moment. "Alfred, when you left I was lost. I didn't know what to do. The world was dark and cold, and my heart was broken. I almost didn't want to live without you. I had to find you, to bring you back home, where we can be a family again. Don't you want that?"

"Matthew...I have a family. But you're not in it."

"...What?"

Matthew looked absolutely crushed at this news. Alfred felt guilty for making him feel that way and wanted to hug his brother, to say that he was just kidding, that he would always love Matthew, but he refrained. It would only set Matthew back to his fantasy world where Alfred wanted to be around him. Matthew needed to realize that Alfred didn't love him _that way_. He needed to realize that what he felt was _wrong_.

Alfred backed up and reached out to Ivan, who stepped forward and took Alfred's outstretched hand. "This is my family now. This is who I belong with and if you can't accept that then you need to leave and never come back."

Matthew paused, tears starting to leak from his eyes. He reached out to Alfred weakly, his hand trembling, but Alfred shook his head. Withdrawing as if burned, he spun around and ran down the hall, disappearing from sight.

Alfred felt tears build as his brother ran away, and when Matthew was gone from sight he sank to the floor, covered his face, and cried. And like he knew, Ivan was there to comfort him. But there was no one to comfort Matthew.

~End Flashback~

~Start Flashback~

**Warning: Suicide**

Matthew ran. He ran from the building where his heart had been crushed. He ran from the one ray of light in his life. And without it, he was surrounded by darkness.

He ran until his legs ached, and even then he continued on. He ran until the city disappeared and trees surrounded him. When he could run no more, he collapsed, sobbing and screaming into the forest floor. His brother, his Alfred, had rejected him. He'd rejected his love and protection, took all their years together and threw them back in his face. He'd given his life to Alfred, poured his soul into doing everything he could to make Alfred happy.

To his broken and twisted mind, the signs had been unnoticeable. He hadn't noticed Alfred's smiles dimming, until they became forced. He didn't notice the love in those gorgeous blue eyes turn to fear. He didn't notice the excuses Alfred made, pathetic as they were, to keep away from him. To him Alfred would always be his baby brother, wholly dependent on him and him alone.

But, Alfred didn't want anything to do with him. Thinking it made him feel ten times worse. He still didn't understand that it was _his_ actions causing Alfred to say that. And even if he had he wouldn't want to believe, couldn't believe it. How could Alfred want nothing to do with him? How could his brother who he loved so much tell him to leave and never return?

Night passed but Matthew made no move to find cover. He stayed out in the forest, relatively close to the city but unwilling to see anyone who wasn't Alfred. He spent the night sobbing and trying to justify his actions, like he'd been doing easily for the last twenty-four years. When the sun rose and the birds began chirping, he managed to stand and wander back towards the city.

What was the point of living if Alfred was not there with him?

When Alfred had left after high school without a word of where exactly he was going, Matthew had been scared. It wasn't very often he was scared, but not knowing Alfred's whereabouts at all times set his nerves on edge. He just loved Alfred so much. Why couldn't his brother see his good intentions?

He walked, his legs tired and starting to ache from his running the night before. His clothes were dirty from laying on the ground, but he couldn't care less. His eyes felt strained, the burning uncomfortable but he did nothing to soothe them save blink. He walked and walked, until he came to the hotel he was staying at. He walked through the doors, walked up two flights of stairs, walked to his door, then opened it and walked to his bed. He sat and placed his head in his hands, once again shaking with sobs.

Hearing a patter against the window, he looked up and through the tears to the window. The curtain was covering the outside, only a faint gray glow showing through. Matthew stood up and pulled the curtain aside, resting his forehead on the freezing window. Rain. It was raining outside, the drops hitting the window and dripping down, much like the tears on his cheeks.

He looked up at the sky, wondering if there really was a God up there. Would He understand? He had surely wanted Matthew to love his brother if He'd made Alfred so perfect. Would he be welcomed?

He turned his eyes from the crying sky to his bag, in which rested a solution to his problem. Since Alfred had left, he'd had trouble sleeping. Doctors had prescribed sleeping pills.

He walked over to his bag, staggering in his dazed state. His fingers slipped more than once while unzipping his pack, and right on top, shinning in the dim lamp light, was the orange bottle with his pills. He picked them up and looked at them, shaking the bottle weakly. He set them down and got his wallet out. Taking out his most prized picture, he grabbed the bottle and went into the bathroom, where the complimentary glass cup rested. He filled it and opened the bottle. He downed four, five pills at a time, until the bottle was empty.

Then he dropped the cup, which landed on the rug but didn't break. He walked to the bed with his picture. He laid down on the bed slowly and took his time admiring the pictured he loved so thoroughly. It was him and Alfred. Just them, arms wrapped around each other as they smiled at the camera. The smile on Alfred's face was so wide, so bright and warm. Tears slipped out of his tired eyes and sobs racked his body again as he turned onto his stomach and held the picture close. Worn out, he fell asleep, tears dropping onto the picture.

He wouldn't wake up.

~Transition~

It had been a few days since Matthew's arrival on their doorstep. Alfred was better, from his small breakdown in the hall, but he seemed sad. He must have really loved his brother to be this affected. Ivan had expressed his concern but Alfred insisted he was alright.

Finals were over with now. Though Matthew's visit had shaken him, Alfred didn't falter. He went to class on time and focused long and hard enough to pass his finals with flying colors, in his opinion. Ivan found it slightly hard to concentrate with Alfred on his mind, but he too pulled through. And thankfully, graduation passed before news of Matthew's death reached Alfred.

It was a week after Matthew's appearance and two days after graduation. Ivan and Alfred had both gotten excellent grades and where well on their way to working together as scientists.

With school over and the internships not starting for a month, they had some free time. Alfred was slowly getting over Matthew's arrival, and Ivan and he had spent some time together as normal couples would. They slept in, watched movies while cuddled on the couch, laughed over lunch and dinner. But their pleasant morning on the eighth day of Matthew's arrival was interrupted by a knock on the door.

They glanced at each other and Alfred, being closest to the door went to answer it.

(2). A police officer was outside it, his expression showing an underlying sadness behind his neutral face.

"Alfred F. Jones?" he asked.

"Yes?" Alfred said. Ivan stood at the edge of the kitchen and living room to watch.

"There's been an incident...may I come in?"

"Yes, of course," Alfred said, holding the door open. The officer came in and Ivan offered him a seat at their dining table. He took it and sat down heavily, taking off his cap and rubbing a hand across his face.

"You are the brother of Matthew William Jones, correct?" When Alfred sat down across the table with Ivan next to him, he nodded.

"Earlier this week Matthew was late checking out from his hotel. When the staff went to look for him, they found him in his room, alone and asleep. They tried to wake him but discovered that he had passed away in his sleep. Upon further investigation it was discovered that a bottle of sleeping pills, recently filled, had been emptied. This was on his person."

The officer pulled out the picture and set it on the table, sliding it towards the quiet couple. Ivan saw that the picture was of Matthew and Alfred smiling together. Alfred made no move to touch it, or respond to the officer's words. He just stared at the picture, unblinking.

"I'm very sorry for your lost. Both Mr. and Mrs. Jones have been made aware of Matthew's passing." He got no response from Alfred, so Ivan stood up and motioned for the officer to follow him. They stood by the door and talked quietly about the incident and what Alfred's parents were going to do about the body. Once given the proper information Alfred could use to contact whoever he needed to(a counselor or psychologist). With that the officer took his leave.

Cautiously, Ivan walked up to Alfred. He hadn't moved or said anything. Ivan could only imagine what Alfred was feeling. Matthew might have deserved something, but suicide via sleeping pills was not what Ivan had in mind. Alfred had just gotten over Matthew's appearance, and now he'd killed himself? How cruel could he be to his brother? Surely he had to know that his death would affect Alfred tremendously.

"Alfred? Are you alright?" He placed his hand on Alfred shoulder gently and felt it shaking. Bending down to look into Alfred's face, he saw that his boyfriend was crying silently. Slowly, he pulled Alfred out of the chair, but his legs buckled under the weight of the news and his depression. They sank to the floor, Alfred grasping Ivan's shirt as he cried and sobbed. Ivan wrapped his arms around Alfred's back and let him cry into his shirt.

"W-Why did h-he do t-that?" Alfred cried. "Didn't he k-know I l-loved him? W-Why—why..." His words were drowned out by his sobs. "Oh my God," Alfred said, "Do yo-you think he k-k-ki...did w-what he did because o-of what I said to him?"

"No Alfred," Ivan said, rubbing his hands across Alfred's back. "We can't be sure why he did it, but I want you to know that it's not your fault. He was sick; unstable. He needed help but he didn't get it in time."

"But I told him—I t-told him to leave and never...never come back. And now he won't!" His crying started anew, the pain in his heart enough to fill his body and make him want to cry for days. "Matthew you jerk! H-How could you do this to me?!" Alfred yelled, looking over at the picture. He wriggled his way out of Ivan's hold and crawled over to the picture, grabbing it and putting it between his fingers as if to tear it to pieces. But one look at it and he was crying again, hands shaking as he failed to destroy the photograph. He fell over onto his side and pressed the picture to his heart, mourning the loss of his brother.

Ivan looked on, heart breaking and feeling like crying himself, if only because Alfred was in such obvious pain. He stood and walked over to Alfred, picking him up bridal style and carrying him to their room, where he placed him on the bed and crawled to the other side. Immediately he pulled Alfred to him and there he waited for Alfred to fall asleep from exhaustion.

The next few days were very hard for Alfred. Ivan did his best to make his boyfriend comfortable in anyway he could, even if he felt Alfred should be going to see his parents. There was only so many types of comfort Ivan could provide. The parental kind, the one between mother and son, and father and son, he could not replicate. Still, he didn't complain when Alfred pushed him away to be alone, nor did he complain when Alfred pulled him close and asked to be held. Ivan had said he would do anything for Alfred and he meant it.

Sometimes he worried, like when Alfred would just stare out a window, what was going through Alfred's head. Was he thinking about all the good times he and Matthew shared? Was he remembering all the abuse he'd suffered under his brother? Or, as Ivan feared most, was he considering, however briefly, to join his brother?

But he didn't have to worry, because as Matthew's funeral came and went, Alfred slowly but surely started returning to his old self again. He was noticeably less cheerful though. It was like when Matthew killed himself he killed the happiness in Alfred and for that Ivan hated him. A month after Matthew's death Ivan surprised Alfred with two cats, a fluffy white one and a fluffy gray one. They certainly helped Alfred with his depression, mild as it was. It would take a year for Alfred to completely get over Matthew's death, with Ivan's help by organizing a trip to the Sierra Nevada Mountains, where they would stay with Ivan's cousins.

~End Flashback~

They typically went through these pictures, the ones of graduation, fairly quickly, if only because Matthew's suicide had been reported to them a couple of days after it. Alfred was very much over his brother's death but the pictures always managed to make his heart ache.

They stopped to admire a series of photos taken one right after another. The photos detailed a clear blue lake and plush green foliage in the summer, at a cabin in the Sierra Nevada Mountains, where Ivan's cousins lived. As a way to relax and have some fun, Ivan had arranged for him and Alfred, along with his sisters, to stay with his cousins for the summer. The entire summer. Alfred had been excited and giddy ever since Ivan had given him the news.

~Start Flashback~

"Are you sure its okay? I don't want to impose on you."

"No, no, Ivan, its fine. Besides, it will be good seeing you and your sisters again. And I look forward to meeting Alfred, you talk about him so highly."

Ivan chuckled. "Well it is all deserved. Thank you Toris, I will see you at the end of the month."

"Alright, goodbye Ivan."

He hung up and walked down the hall to his and Alfred's bedroom, where Alfred was still sleeping. He stopped in the doorway and watched his boyfriend sleep peacefully for once in what seemed like forever.

The death of his brother a year earlier had really hit him hard, and even now he still became upset over little things that reminded him of Matthew. Ivan clenched his jaw in anger.

In Ivan's opinion, Matthew was a coward. He deserved pain with his death, not the peaceful embrace of sleep. After all he'd done to Alfred, all the years of abuse and torment he'd made Alfred suffer through, he deserved to suffer himself. But since he'd taken the coward's way out, Ivan wouldn't be able to see it through.

He sighed and rubbed a hand across his face as he relaxed. He went over to the bed and sat on Alfred's side since he'd rolled over to the middle. Sometimes there would be tear stains on Alfred's cheeks, though Ivan didn't know if he relived whatever had happened to him or if he missed his brother. And Ivan didn't know which was worse.

He just sat there and watched, like he used to do in high school, until one of the cats jumped on his lap. He looked down and pet him, then picked him and the other cat up and left the room, shutting the door behind him. He figured he could always tell Alfred the news later, so he allowed Alfred his sleep. The cats had a nasty habit of crawling all over them if they wanted attention so he brought them with him, setting them down on the couch and watching them play with each other.

Once he sat on the couch the cats cuddled together on his lap. He absentmindedly pet both cats as he thought about the vacation he'd planned for them.

It was hard not to notice Alfred's behavior, and nearly impossible for Ivan. He needed to show his usually cheerful boyfriend that life could go on with the loss of Matthew. And Alfred had no reason to mourn so much for so long, though Ivan was sure Alfred hadn't fully come to terms with the abuse. He probably still thought, at least once in a while, that if he did something wrong Matthew would show up and punish him. But Matthew was not alive anymore, and Ivan would never let anything else happen to Alfred.

So, in order to take Alfred's mind away from reality, Ivan had called his cousin Toris and asked if he, along with Alfred and his sisters, could spend some time up there with them, to let loose and have fun. Toris had said it was a great idea and that he wouldn't mind, but he asked his roommate and brother just to confirm that they could stay there.

When he'd gotten back to Ivan he'd reported that Feliks, his roommate, couldn't wait to see them(Toris's words)and that his brother Eduard didn't care either way. So Ivan and Toris had talked and made the plans and now they just had to wait until the end of the month, when it would turn June, to drive up there. And he still had to tell Alfred.

Sometime later in the day the tired looking blond had wandered into the living room and plopped down on the couch to lay against Ivan. Ivan shook his head.

"How can you still look so tired? You slept practically the entire day." He cupped Alfred's cheek and ran a thumb under his eye, where a dark ring was forming from his irregular sleep patterns. Alfred just sighed and closed his eyes.

"I don't know," he said quietly, "I'm just...tired all the time, I guess."

Ivan pushed Alfred away from him so he could turn on the couch, his legs coming up to rest on Alfred's side. Alfred understood and lifted his body off the couch so one of Ivan's legs could rest on his other side as well. With Alfred sitting between his legs Ivan pulled Alfred back towards him so his back was resting on his chest. He started running his hand through the shorter man's messy blond hair.

"Well, what would you say to a vacation? We could drive up to the mountains and spend the summer there. How does that sound?" If Alfred didn't want to go, Ivan would have to try and persuade him; he wouldn't let Alfred's dour mood spoil the fun. He heard Alfred hum and hoped he would agree.

"The whole summer? We'll need some new swimsuits for that."

"But you'd go?"

"Yeah, why not?"

"Great! Then tomorrow we will go shopping. We should also find someone to take care of the cats. We'll be gone quite a while, I'm sure they won't appreciate it."

"...What?"

Alfred turned around and repositioned himself so he was sitting in Ivan's lap, legs resting on top of Ivan's thighs and peering at him with a confused expression. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I talked to my cousin, the one who lives up there and has a cabin, and we arranged the whole thing. You, me, and my sisters will drive up there to spend summer with them." He smiled and cupped Alfred's face with both hands. "I can see how tired you are all the time Alfred. You need to move on and accept that Matthew is gone and can no longer hurt you. This trip will be the perfect break for you if you let it."

"You did all that? For me?"

Ivan moved his hands to Alfred's shoulders and pulled him into a hug, squeezing him tightly and hoping Alfred felt his love through the embrace. "Of course. I love you Alfred; I want you to be happy." He felt Alfred's arms, which had been loosely hanging at his sides, come up and return his hug. "Thank you."

Like he'd promised, the next day they'd gone out shopping for new swimsuits. He could tell that, already, the distraction was working; his sunshine blond had looked well-rested and was much more livelier today than the previous weeks combined. It warmed his heart as he followed after Alfred. Seeing as how they'd be gone for a long time, their cats not only needed someone to stay with(or come see them)but food as well, and it was really only their responsibility to supply it, so along with swimsuit shopping they stopped at a pet store. Alfred also picked out some new toys for them, as an apology for leaving them for so long.

The following week and a half was spent anxiously awaiting the departure day's arrival and thoroughly spoiling their cats with love and attention. When the day came to leave, Alfred's friend Francis came by to pick the cats up and say goodbye, then they were packing everything in their car and on their way to their vacation destination.

Alfred, at first, had been afraid that they were going to pick up Ivan's sisters, which meant sharing a car ride with Natalia, Ivan's younger sister. The way Ivan had described the arrangements he made it sound like they were going to pick them up, as, in order to get to their location, they'd have to pass through the town his sisters lived in. But Ivan had told him that Katyusha, Ivan's older sister, would be driving them there, so it would just be him and Alfred for the four hour ride to Truckee(3), a nice town that bordered Nevada. There were plenty of lakes there and in the winter, a lot of nearby ski mountains.

Normally Alfred didn't like long rides, simply because he got bored easily, but he enjoyed the trip up. Being with someone he loved made all the difference, and though Ivan was the one driving he still indulged his boyfriend in his childish games. They played every car ride game Alfred could think of, and over half way through they stopped for burgers, though not at Alfred's favorite fast food chain. Instead they stopped at Alfred's secret favorite(4), where even Ivan had to admit that the burgers and fries were good.

Then they were on the road again, the stop in Auburn for lunch about the half way point. Ivan continued to drive, though Alfred had offered. Ivan had reminded Alfred that he didn't know where to go; not only had he never been to Truckee, he didn't know where Ivan's cousins lived. Alfred had dismissed that bit of information and claimed he was great with directions, which Ivan rolled his eyes at, but let Alfred believe he had the last say.

It was quieter the second time around, if only because they'd run out of car games to play. Ivan focused on driving while periodically glancing over at Alfred, who had brought out a handheld electronic and was busy with that.

Ivan noticed that Alfred looked much better, even more so than when they were shopping for new swimsuits. His eyes no longer had bags under them, and he smiled more often. He looked generally less sad, and it made Ivan happy that he could cheer his boyfriend up so well. He had a feeling this vacation would be the thing to finally push Matthew and all concern about him out of Alfred's head.

Time seemed to pass quickly for Alfred, as all of the sudden the car was pulling to a stop and Ivan was turning it off. He paused his game and looked up. A cabin, large and well kept met him, as well as grass and giant trees which loomed over them, offering patches of shade from the heat of the sun. The cabin they were parked in front of was two stories, the bottom of which had a porch which had several feet of space. A hammock was to one side, a bench next to it. The second story had a deck which was as wide as a regular sized bedroom, completely outside and caged in by a wooden fence, like an outside loft. Everything was made of wood, actually.

Ivan opened the driver's side door and stepped out into the crisp mountain air. It smelled like pine and the natural scent of summer, the one that brought back happy memories of a family spending time together, laughs and good feelings abundant. Alfred shut off his game and followed Ivan's lead.

"It's beautiful up here," Alfred said, looking down the line of cabins. They were all so different; some were square, some had one story, some were triangle shaped, some looked like normal houses. It was a welcome respite from the blandness modern day houses shared, with their similar structures and paint jobs. It felt more homely here.

"Yes," Ivan agreed, fondness in his gaze as he looked at the cabin, "It certainly is." His father never wanted to join them for vacations, so busy with work as he was, so all of Ivan's memories of this place were good, happy ones. "Come on," Ivan said, walking up the wood chip driveway, where three other cars were parked. It looked like Toris and Feliks were both here, along with his sisters. Alfred followed behind, suddenly nervous. He'd met Katyusha and Natalia but not any other member of Ivan's family. And it seemed that Ivan was close to his cousins. He hoped it wouldn't be awkward.

Ivan knocked on the sliding glass door and waited, looking at Alfred and noticing how nervous he looked.

"There is no need to be nervous, Alfred," Ivan said. Alfred stared at him.

"How do you always know what I'm feeling? I swear, it's like you can read minds," Alfred accused. Ivan chuckled. "I simply have a lot of practice reading people. Just be yourself and I know they will be as captivated by you as I am." Alfred blushed lightly at the compliment and smiled. They turned their attention to the door when it opened and a brunette with shoulder length hair greeted them. "Ivan! So good to see you again." They shook hands before he turned to Alfred. "And you must be Alfred. I've heard a lot about you from Ivan, it's so good to meet you in person. I'm Toris." Alfred shook the outstretched hand offered and looked over at Ivan, who shrugged. "What can I say?" he said, then followed Toris into the cabin. Alfred shook his head and followed, a wide smile on his face.

~End Flashback~

It was not hard for Alfred to make friends. People were naturally drawn to his cheerful and optimistic personality. But it was the touching that he had trouble with. Feliks, Toris's roommate, was very hands-on, and liked to touch a lot. Because of Matthew, Alfred had problems with others touching him. He'd thought that Feliks would be a problem for him, but it was the opposite. The touching Feliks did actually helped him overcome his trouble, and now he was comfortable with touch. He didn't think Feliks would ever know the level of gratitude Alfred felt because of it.

Toris and Alfred had become great friends as well. Toris was a nice young man and a great host. He was quiet at times, letting his roommate do all the talking, but it didn't seem to bother him at all. Alfred hadn't wanted anyone to know about his past, but he felt comfortable telling Toris, who tried to situate things to let Alfred be as comfortable as possible. He was also great at listening and giving advice, so Alfred could come to him with a personal problem and receive sound advice on how to fix it.

Toris had two brothers who also lived in the cabin. Out of the three, Toris was the oldest. Eduard was the second oldest and Raivis was the youngest. Eduard was very reserved and quiet, though when he did talk he was rather sarcastic, in a funny way. He also loved computers, and once he'd found out that technology was Alfred's second interest(the sciences being his first)he'd warmed right up to Alfred. He was also something of a gamer, like Alfred, and they spent time talking about current models of computers and programs and future games they were interested in.

The youngest, Raivis, was by far the quietest. He was younger by quite a few years, so he didn't get a lot of the adult humor thrown around. He was also very meek, and spent a lot of the time playing with a young boy his age named Peter, who lived with his adoptive parents a few cabins down. Though when he was with them, Alfred had no problem getting a long with him. Alfred himself was very young at heart, and enjoyed playing board games and video games with the young boy.

Katyusha and Alfred has always gotten along well, as Katyusha knew about Alfred's past(at Ivan's recommendation). She happened to be a psychologist, and could explain to Alfred mental ways of coping with his experiences. Natalia was a different story. She seemed to only like her older brother and sister, and tolerated Toris, but was cold to everyone else, even Alfred. It was frustrating for Alfred to have one person not like him, as everyone did, but there was really nothing he could do to change her mind...

Except, maybe, save her life.

~Start Flashback~

It was a normal day; the sun made everyone hot, the wind offered relief but not quite enough, and there was nothing to do. So what could they do to remedy that?

"Thanks for inviting Peter," Tino said, "I know he's been wanting to go swimming for a while."

"It's no problem," Toris replied, "Raivis wouldn't have as much fun without him; they're very close."

They'd decided to go to swimming, even inviting Peter for Raivis. The road to get there was rough and bumpy, which was one of the reasons both Toris and Feliks owned jeeps. The tops were removed, letting the pleasant wind cool everyone down. Everything was loaded into the jeeps and everyone piled into a car. Toris drove his jeep with Katyusha in the passenger's seat, while Ivan sat in the middle in the back between Natalia and Alfred. Feliks drove his with Eduard next to him, Raivis and Peter in the back.

It didn't take long for them to arrive at a secluded lake. Not many cars were parked along the entrance to the trails leading up to the lake, so that was good. Everyone grabbed some piece of equipment and started the short hike to the lake side. There was no sand on their side of the lake, only flat rock about ten feet above the water, so they set up chairs and blankets there. Alfred noticed with glee that there was a rope swing nearby.

Once everything was in its place they were released to do whatever they liked. The lake was very wide, with a small island on one side. Alfred was hesitant for a moment, but he pulled off his shirt. He had a few scars from being a kid in general, but some were from Matthew, and though no one knew that, he was still self-conscious about people seeing them. Ivan had assured him numerous times that nobody looked down at him for having the scars, so he should have no worries about what other people think. And Ivan would know, because he had scars of his own that he used to be self-conscious about.

When he was younger he'd been in an accident, one that resulted in a series of scars around his neck. He'd refused to go outside without something covering them, so Katyusha had knit him a scarf. Now it was Ivan's most treasured gift, and even when he accepted the scars and got over them, he still wore it, if only for the familiar comfort it brought him. It was faded and coming undone in some places, but he loved it all the same.

Eduard stayed behind on the rocks with Katyusha to watch Raivis and Peter play while Alfred, Ivan, Feliks, Toris, and Natalia swam out to the island. There was another rope swing there as well.

The tree the swing was tied to was on a ledge not unlike the one their stuff was on. While the island wasn't wide, it was tall, with most of it being rock. From the water, they had to climb up a steep but short trail to a wide ledge. Large but stable looking rocks loomed overhead, embedded in the walls. Then there was the tree with the swing.

Right at the top of the climb up was Alfred, who had stopped to watch Toris swing off the rope. Natalia had also stopped to watch, right under the large rocks. But as nature would have it, something amongst the rocks shifted, and a loud creak was heard. Some rocks at the top had broken free, with Natalia under where they would land. Alfred was about to jump down into the water, to get away from the falling rocks, when he saw Natalia had not moved. She was staring wide eyed at the rocks but made no move to get clear. So Alfred cursed and shouted "Watch out!" and quickly climbed up onto the ledge and ran at her. He tackled her out of the way but made sure to turn so his back hit the ground.

He gasped and hissed as his bare back skid along the slick rock, made so by the water they tracked from the lake to the swing. Her weight and the initial impact also had him gasping for breath as the wind was knocked out of him. The others were shouting their names as he managed to sit up and scoot away from the ledge, towards the others.

Natalia hadn't said anything, only clung to Alfred. Toris managed to pry her nails from his shoulders and get her to get off of him, then Ivan helped him up and gave him a tight hug before turning him around to inspect his back.

"Ah, it stings, is all. I'm fine," he assured.

There weren't any extreme wounds but his back was pretty scratched up, bleeding lightly in many places. Toris decided to get floaties from their stuff so Alfred and Natalia wouldn't have to swim; the water would probably agitate Alfred's wounds more and Natalia didn't look to be in the right state to swim. Feliks volunteered to go with him, as he'd seen the whole thing and could explain what happened to Katyusha and Eduard.

Ivan remained with Alfred and Natalia by the swing tree. Natalia seemed frozen as she sat on the root next to him. He worried about her and Alfred equally, though he was incredibly grateful to Alfred for saving her.

She stood up suddenly, and so did Alfred and Ivan. Alfred hissed as he stood though, the movement stretching his wounds painfully, though nothing he couldn't handle. Natalia stared at him and then walked up to him, not saying anything. She stared at him from right in front of him, then started crying, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. It seemed the full impact of what had happened crashed into her.

"You saved me," they heard through the sobs. Alfred let her cry into his neck as he and Ivan rubbed her back comfortingly. "It's no big deal," he murmured. She pulled back and looked angry. "What do you mean 'no big deal'? I do not treat you kindly or talk to you and yet you saved my life by putting your own in danger! How can you be so casual about this?" she sobbed. The words were difficult to make out between her heaves and hiccups, but the message was clear.

"I saved you because it was the right thing to do, never mind how you treat me. You're like my family even if we don't get along."

"That's right Natalia," Ivan said, "Alfred is like family. He does not need a reason to do things for you, or any of us." She looked over at her brother, tears no longer falling from her eyes. She let go of Alfred only to cling to Ivan.

"Brother," she muttered into his chest, "I love your boyfriend."

He laughed at that, hugging her back and pulling Alfred into the hug, mindful of his back. "As do I."

~End Flashback~

Since then Natalia acted as if he was her biological brother. It took some getting used to but she warmed up considerably from that point onward.

The rest of the vacation had gone on without incident. Alfred was sad to see it come to an end; in the time he'd been there he'd really become great friends with everyone, but they lived so far away that they'd hardly see each other. Despite wishing for time to stop, their departure date arrived. Katyusha and Natalia had left two days before them, so Ivan's cousins were the only ones to say goodbye to them. Alfred made sure to confirm some sort of holiday get together, though no one knew the details. Toris had been very accepting of the idea.

The ride back home was much more light hearted. Although Alfred had been sure nothing could make him forget Matthew, at least not completely, the trip had done a spectacular job at distracting him, like Ivan had hoped for. For the first time in a long time, Alfred hadn't thought about his older brother at all. Ivan could tell on the way back, as Alfred talked about his favorite parts of their vacation, that he was finally ready to move on and forget about Matthew.

Alfred sighed and turned the page himself. Ivan knew that while Alfred had accepted his issues and overcome them, some topics were still a little touchy. Ivan wouldn't make his boyfriend talk or think about his brother if he didn't want to.

Months passed in the album. The holiday after their vacation Toris, Eduard, and Feliks had come down to stay with them. Katyusha and Natalia came as well, and Natalia hugged Alfred in greeting for the first time. It made Alfred happy to see everyone else so happy.

After that came the end of their album. Ivan shut it and placed it on the table, while Alfred got up to put a coat on. "Come on, Ivan," he said, "I want to have those pictures developed so we can add them to the album. Plus we have to pick up the cat's medicine."

"Alright I'm coming," he responded, standing up to grab his coat. As he walked by Alfred he suddenly turned and gathered him in his arms, kissing him hard on the lips. Surprised but very welcoming of the intimacy Alfred returned the kiss, even whining when it broke. Ivan chuckled and swiped a thumb across his boyfriend's lips. He grabbed his coat and held his hand out, squeezing Alfred's when it slid into his.

"Perhaps we can pick up ice cream on the way home?" Ivan said, smiling as Alfred's face lit up and he jumped at Ivan, hugging him tightly. "Have I ever told you how much I love you?" Alfred breathed near his ear.

"Every day, and I will always be here to return it."

* * *

(1) – Daan is Netherlands. I guess I like that name 'cause I've used it in all my fics with him in them. Bella is Belgium.

(2) – I have no idea how an officer would go about breaking the news, other than remaining professional.

(3) – I used this town because I used to go there every summer and winter to swim or ski with my mom's ex-boyfriend's family(well not Truckee per say, but Donner, which is close). They're the ones who owned the cabin, but since he is now an ex, I haven't been there in like, three or four years, but the memories are holding strong. If you know where to go then you're guaranteed to have a good time, especially if you're with family and friends. I recommend it, plus Northstar at Tahoe in the winter for snowboarding.

(4) – Of course I'm talking about In 'n Out Burger. Way better than McDonald's, and I can say that super easily. This is where we'd stop on our way up to Truckee.


End file.
